How to Be Heard
Welcome to Effective Habits, a weekly newsletter where I share evidence-based strategies and tools to help you live a happy, healthy, and productive life.
Today at a Glance:
How to Bring Up Pet Peeves in Your Relationship
Should You Align Your Workout with Your Chronotype?
The ABC Goal System
“It is equally dangerous at either extreme – to have either an expanding concept of mental disorder that eliminates normal or to have an expanding concept of normal that eliminates mental disorder.”
How to Bring Up Pet Peeves in Your Relationship
Dr. Faith Drew
🔦Lights, Camera, ...
No matter how much you love your partner, they will eventually get on your nerves. Maybe they leave the lights on, scroll through dinner, forget a small household task, or turn their shoes into an obstacle course. Most of these habits are not malicious; they are usually the result of forgetfulness, inattention, or different ways of moving through the world. But when small irritations go unspoken, they can quietly harden into resentment. Often, the issue is not really the toilet seat, the laundry detergent, or the clutter. It is the deeper question underneath: Do you see me? Do my needs matter? Are we in this together? Some pet peeves can be solved with a simple conversation and a practical fix. Others reflect deeper differences in personality, preference, or rhythm, and those are not meant to be “fixed” so much as understood, negotiated, and managed with care. The goal is not to eliminate every annoyance, but to talk about them before they become emotional landmines. When you bring up small frustrations gently, with curiosity instead of criticism, you create a relationship where it feels safe to say what matters—and where ordinary imperfect moments become chances to understand each other better.
🎬Action!
Pause before you bring it up. Before you say anything, ask yourself whether this is worth discussing. If the irritation keeps happening and continues to bother you, it is probably worth addressing. But first, get clear on what is really going on. What does this behavior mean to you? Does it connect to something from your background, values, or family history? How does it make you feel? And what do you actually want from the conversation? The goal is not to scold your partner or prove that you are right. The goal is to help them understand you so the two of you can feel more connected and secure.
Choose the right time. Timing matters. Do not bring up a sensitive issue when your partner is stressed, exhausted, distracted, rushing out the door, or when either of you is likely to snap. These conversations need enough space for both people to stay present. Instead of squeezing it in at a bad moment, name that you want to talk and choose a better time. You might say, “Can we talk about something that’s been on my mind over lunch?” or “Can we come back to this after the kids are asleep?” Waiting for the right context does not mean ignoring your feelings. It means giving the conversation a better chance of going well.
Start gently. How you begin the conversation shapes everything that follows. A harsh opening like “You always do this” or “Why can’t you ever remember?” will usually make your partner defensive. Start with how you feel instead. For example: “I’ve noticed that when we have dinner, you often check your phone. I know it might seem small, but I start to feel disconnected when that happens. Can we talk about it?” This lets your partner know you are not attacking them; you are inviting them into something that matters to you. Keep your tone, posture, and body language soft too. The message lands better when your whole presence says, “I want to work through this with you.”
Stay focused on connection. Once the conversation starts, it can be easy to drift into blame, criticism, or defensiveness. Try to stay focused on the behavior and how it affects you, rather than attacking your partner’s character or motives. Instead of saying, “You don’t care about me because you’re always on your phone,” try, “When I’m talking about my day and you’re looking at your phone, I feel unimportant.” Even if you bring it up carefully, your partner may still feel hurt or defensive. That does not mean you failed. Take a breath, stay patient, and return to the goal: connection, not victory. If needed, pause and say, “I didn’t mean to catch you off guard. Could you think about it for a bit, and we can talk later?”
Add appreciation. When you bring up something that bothers you, your partner may hear only criticism. Balance the concern with genuine appreciation. For example, after mentioning that phone use at dinner makes you feel disconnected, you might add, “I also want you to know that I really appreciate how present you are during our walks or when we talk before bed. That means a lot to me.” Appreciation helps remind both of you that you are on the same team. You can address a problem without making the relationship feel like a problem.
Keep returning to the conversation. Do not expect one good conversation to solve everything forever. In real relationships, the same issue may need to be revisited more than once. That does not mean you are doing it wrong. It means you are two people with different habits, needs, and sensitivities learning how to live together. Progress looks like understanding each other better, agreeing on a workable compromise, and feeling less charged around the issue over time. Healthy couples are not the ones who never get irritated. They are the ones who keep choosing repair, understanding, and connection—conversation after conversation.
🔦Lights, Camera, ...
“The best time to exercise is the time that works for you” is still a good rule but it may not be the whole story. Our bodies run on circadian rhythms that influence everything from alertness and hormone release to motivation, strength, endurance, and recovery, which means there may be a personal “biological sweet spot” for training. A new study put this idea to the test by having adults with cardiovascular risk factors complete the same 12-week aerobic exercise program either in alignment with their chronotype—morning people training in the morning, evening people training in the evening—or against it. Everyone improved, but the chronotype-aligned group improved far more: roughly twice the improvements in blood pressure, VO₂ peak, HRV, LDL cholesterol, fasting glucose, body weight, and sleep quality. The takeaway is not that morning or evening exercise is universally better, but that alignment matters. If your schedule forces you to train outside your preferred window, exercise is still unquestionably worth doing. But if you have the freedom to choose, it may be smart to train when your body naturally feels most ready. Circadian biology reminds us that health is not just about what we do, but when we do it, and biology tends to reward us when we work with its rhythm rather than against it.
🎬Action!
Train in alignment with your chronotype. For one week, pay attention to when exercise feels easiest, most enjoyable, and most productive. Are you naturally more motivated in the morning, or do you come alive later in the day? Once you notice the pattern, try scheduling your most important workouts during that window. You do not need to force perfection—exercise at any time is still valuable—but if you have the flexibility, align your training with your chronotype to reap greater benefits. The goal is simple: stop asking only, “When can I fit this in?” and also ask, “When does my body respond best?”
The ABC Goal System
Sahil Bloom
🔦Lights, Camera, ...
“Just be consistent.” It’s the kind of advice we’ve all heard so many times it almost loses meaning. Of course consistency matters—it’s the thread running through nearly every success story—but no one really tells you how to stay consistent when life gets messy, motivation dips, discipline fades, and your perfect plan falls apart. That’s what makes the ABC Goal System so useful. The idea began with a simple piece of marathon advice: stop thinking in terms of one perfect outcome and start thinking in three—an A goal, a B goal, and a C goal. For a marathon, that might mean an A goal of hitting your dream time, a B goal of running a solid baseline race, and a C goal of simply finishing. Instead of having only one target that can disappear the moment things go wrong, you create a flexible structure that keeps you moving no matter how the day unfolds. Applied beyond running, it becomes a simple way to stop letting “perfect” get in the way of progress and to remember that anything above zero compounds.
🎬Action!
Create ABC goals for one habit you want to make more consistent.
Choose one area where you keep falling off. Pick something specific, like exercise, writing, deep work, reading, meditation, or staying in touch with friends.
Set three versions of success. Your A Goal is the ideal version, your B Goal is the realistic baseline, and your C Goal is the minimum viable action.
For example, for exercise:
A Goal: 60-minute workout
B Goal: 30 minutes of movement
C Goal: 10-minute walkFor writing:
A Goal: Write 1,000 words
B Goal: Write 500 words
C Goal: Write one sentenceFor relationships:
A Goal: Go for a long walk or have a proper date
B Goal: Have a present, unrushed conversation
C Goal: Send a thoughtful text
Start each day aiming for your B Goal. If you feel great, go for the A Goal. If life gets messy, drop to the C Goal.
Never let “perfect” become the reason you do nothing. The point is to keep the chain alive. Even your C Goal counts because anything above zero compounds.
TOOL TIP
WhatCable: Ever noticed how not every USB-C cable behaves the same? This free, open-source Mac menu bar app reads your USB-C cable’s actual specs and tells you in plain English whether the bottleneck is the cable, the charger or the port. Unfortunately, it’s not available for Windows.
FUN FACT
An investigation by Beyond Plastics found that 0 out of 36 tracked Starbucks cups placed in the chain’s own in-store recycling bins ended up at a recycling facility – instead travelling to landfills and incinerators.
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Disclaimer: The information provided in this newsletter is for informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. Please consult a medical professional for advice, diagnosis, or treatment. We are not liable for any risks or issues that may arise from using this information.
